Monday 19 December 2016

My Anxiety and Bullying Story Where it all began

Hello Beauties,

As you can tell by the title of this post it's not beauty or make up related it's completely different to any post that I have done before and if I am being honest I am feeling very anxious putting my anxiety story out there for all to see .

I feel that I need to do it for myself  I feel like it will help me and for anyone else that is suffering with Anxiety and Depression both of these normally go hand in hand together which I didn't understand before I developed anxiety.

I think I have always suffered with some kind of Anxiety ever since I was younger I am not good in social situations this started in high school when I got bullied from the age of 11 to 15.

 I would do anything to get out of going to school I was never what you would call bullied physically it was always verbal but that hurt me way more it felt like I was getting punched over and over when they would name call and I used to think to myself why is this bothering you so much don't let them get to you it wasn't just one person.

When one person did it most of the classes that I where in joined in with them it was really humiliating and the few friends that I did have . No longer wanted to be my friend which I totally understood as there was so many people that bullied me

It got so bad that I didn't go to school for most of the first year my mum would walk me to the bus stop and I would get on the bus and get off at the next stop and go into town for hours on end just to pass the time until I could go home again and when my mum asked me about my day I would say that I had a good day I felt so bad lying to her but I didn't want to worry her she had my brother, my sister and me to look after and was raising us by herself this was the last thing that she needed .

I decided not to say anything happened on a daily basis for about 6 months until the school called my mum to ask how I was obviously she didn't know where I was at the time so she said I was at school they said I hadn't been in school for 6 months so you can imagine how shocked she was when she learnt the truth.

When I got home from school as usual she asked me how school was as usual I said I had, had a good day and she got so angry calling me a liar asking me why I hadn't been going into school until I broke down and told her that I had been being bullied which shocked her she asked me why I hadn't come to her and I said that I didn't want to worry her which she wasn't too happy about.

One of the reasons that I didn't want to tell my family about the bullying is my older brother and sister are just so strong I used to think there is no way they would ever let this happen to them and I didn't want to be seen as weak I didn't want my family to feel like I had let them down and that I couldn't stand up for myself.

The next day my mum made an appointment with my headmaster to talk to him about what had been happening who like my mum  was shocked that I hadn't gone to anyone in the school and told them.

My headmaster asked me for the names of the students who were bullying me who I really didn't want to give I was scared it would make matters worse and I was right there was no proof that they had been bulling me no one came forward to defend me and all the bullies was scared of the ringleader and stuck to the same story so there really wasn't a lot the school could do apart from keep an eye on me and the teachers couldn't watch me 24/7 .

The bullying got worse looking back I really don't know how I coped with it I dreaded going to school every morning now the bullies had something else to pick on me for I was getting taxis to school because I couldn't be trusted to go there and back  by myself which I don't blame my mum for doing .

My mum thought the bullying had stopped how could I tell her it was worse then ever I just couldn't and I don't think I've ever spoken about it so openly until now .

I still made a lot of excuses not to go to school like I felt sick I had a stomach  ache etc you name it I had it but of course my mum thought I was trying it on.

The bullying continued for 3 more long years some days where worse then others till one day I decided enough was enough and fought back.

when I was 15  it was the last year of high school I remember it as though it was yesterday we had a common room that was one of the perks that we had in the last year when we was in high school back then which was nice.

Anyway the main bully was trying to mock me in front of the few friends I had and I had just had enough it's like I woke up from this daze I had been in for the last 4 years.

One day I had enough I was sick of going into school and it being torturous. I wondered what must I have done to be treated in this way. Anyway the ring leader of the pack of bullies started on me and I suddenly got up of my seat  it was like an out of body experience .

I don't condone violence in anyway shape or form but he pushed he had never touched me physically before it had always been name calling I just snapped and  suddenly I smacked him across his face he had a really big red mark across his face I don't know who was more shocked .

That is the only time I have ever hit anyone in my life I don't agree with violence I am the type of person that believes you can talk things out and there is no need for Violence.

 I just wanted him out of my way he told me that someone would be waiting for me at the end of the day and I would be sorry that I had done that I think he was more embarrasses as his friends were laughing at him that a girl had hit him but I really didn't mean too.

I was really panicking all day . At the end of the day I didn't want to leave school even though I knew my taxi would be waiting . I wondered who would be there waiting for me and what would happen to me when I finally plucked up enough courage to leave school for the day there was no one waiting for me .

The next day I didn't want to go into school I was on pins and nothing happened it's like I got respect for finally defending myself against the main bully  and this continued for the rest of that school year the other bullies of course backed away as well and I was finally free for the rest of the year but all those years have being bullied have definitely scarred me.

If only I had known that all I had to do was approach the main ringleader who bullied me and It would all be over I could have enjoyed so much more of school.

The 4 years that I was bullied have definitely affected me I had never heard of anxiety back then it was never really talked about and I didn't really understand the symptoms of panic attacks up until 3 years ago.

Looking back I really do think that is when my anxiety started  when I left school I didn't have any symptoms because I wasn't in that environment so I no longer thought about it.

I have always been a loner I am getting better at socialising as I get older when I was younger I was always off in  the corner by myself doing my own thing. I only met my best friend at primary school when we was 10 and from there we was inseperable until we grew apart when we left high school so I don't really trust that easy now. I did have a few other friends that was also part of our group but I'm no longer in contact with them either .

I was never like my brother and sister who always had a lot of friends they were always coming round to the house I really just had one friend which to be honest i'm like that now I don't have a lot of friends my best friend lives in Australia so I don't see her we talk quite regularly but it's not quite the same is it.

I was always envious of my brother and sister they seemed to make friends so much easier then I ever could it always felt like I was the odd one out in our family and not only could I not make good friendships I wasn't close with my siblings either and to be honest I'm still not now . There is quite a big age gap between my brother and I and my sister and I even though the age gap is not as wide we do seem to argue a lot which causes great anxiety.

I want to talk about the last 3 years of how my anxiety developed and my other symptoms but I needed to give some background information so you would understand me a little more first so I wanted to go as far back as I could and where I thought it all started and I think this is it.

The doctor has since told me I suffer with PTSD, GAD, also social anxiety disorder and depression like with the anxiety I think I have always suffered with depression since the bullying began .
I always just put it down to being a moody teenager hormones all over the place but that wasn't the case . It didn't help that every single day I had to go to school I was being verbally abused and no one has the right to do that to you.

If you are reading this and you don't know what to do PLEASE, PLEASE , PLEASE  don't suffer in silence TALK to someone whether that is a teacher don't be put off by my story I was at high school over 20 years ago there are anti bullying campaigns now .

Your teacher will take this seriously or go to a parent, or a family member that you trust you don't need to suffer in SILENCE like I did it will only make you miserable.
I think I am going to leave this post here as it's quite a long one and talk about more recent events in a upcoming post .

Thanks for reading as always I know this is quite a somber post and I don't want it to be negative as with every negative there is a positive .

In this story it was when I finally learned to stand up for myself and didn't want to give this boy any more power then he had already had.

What I realised when I was writing this post is that everyone has a line and I put up with a lot but everyone has a boiling point

just remember if you are in this situation if you are being bullied you are not alone there are people that you can turn too.